Lonnie Knows Everything

This has not been asked directly and I am sure I know why, it’s very intimidating to be around someone so absolutely perfect in every way.

It is unfortunate that I cannot provide you with a direct answer, and trust me it’s not because it is a secret, it is quite simply that regular people couldn’t handle the answer without their heads exploding and I assure you, it’s quite messy.

I will show you what happened the last time I tried to explain how I became so smart during one of my many lectures around the world, I warn you, the footage is graphic.

As you can see, this is far more than a simple migraine.

This is why I must share my knowledge with you, my adoring fans, in a slow fashion in the form of small nuggets of wisdom.. for your own safety!

- Oracle

Ice_Man writes,

Where do baby’s come from? And why is it such a secret?

Oracle’s answer,

Ice_Man,

I could be killed for divulging this information, but there is a baby factory in idaho that produces babies by the pound. It’s called “Babies by the Pound” ..

Shhh ..

Ice_Man writes,

Are you god?

Oracle’s answer,

Ice_Man,

No Ice, But I can see how you could be led to ask that question. You see, I am about as close to perfection as one could get. I have an amazing mental capacity and the physique of a norwegien body builder… Yes Ice_Man .. I am quite amazing.. but, alas, I am not God.

Thank you for noticing my perfection though!

Anonymous writes,

Why are men retarded?

Oracle’s answer,

Anonymous,

It is a well known fact that Men are extremely intelligent, but there are a few reasons why they appear to be a few bytes short of a packet.

Women typically have a very low IQ and therefore do not understand the genius spewing from the mouths of men.

Men also struggle to use words that others may understand without having to have a dictionary, because they have to take this step backwards, things may not come accross as intended.

A perfect example of this taking place is our own ex Vice President’s mispelling of the word potato, rather than using “Solanum tuberosum”, he was forced to attempt to spell out the alternative form in a way that others could understand. Because Mr. Quayle is so used to operating on a higher plane, he was unable to function properly on a lower plane and therefore mispelled it.

I hope this is all clear, unless ofcourse you’re a female, in that case just go do the dishes.

Oracle

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heezy writes,

How tall is TOO tall?

Oracle’s answer,

Heezy,

Here are a few signs that you might be just a little too tall.

1. You remind people of a scene from Godzilla.
2. You need a seperate bed for your feet.
3. You have to bend down to walk through a door.
4. Ceiling fans frighten you.
5. The jet stream always messes up your hair.
6. Kites never seem to fly above your waistline.
7. Your old shoes double as homeless shelters.