Lonnie Knows Everything

Anonymous writes,

Am I pregnant ?

Oracle’s answer,

Anonymous,

Yes.. but it will be an adorable little alien baby, the father is from planet E47, just north of the milky way.

He apologizes for the quickness of your encounter, it was only meant to be a quick anal probe but ended up being a quick but romantic evening, he thanks you for the wine and the wonderful goat cheese dip.. oh and sorry about that nasty stain on the ceiling.

Oracle

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Anonymous writes,

If you were cheese, what kind would you be and why?

Oracle’s answer,

Dear anonymous,

I have given this much thought while sitting on my thought enhancing chair device (AKA toilet).

It seems that there is only one logical answer to this question! but alas, I have not yet determined what it is.

Tonight I will purchase many burritos and spend a few more hours on my thought enhancer and see if any logical conclusions come to mind.

Thanks for asking!

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Anonymous writes,

Does the spoon exist?

Oracle’s answer,

There is no spoon! it is not the spoon that bends, only yourself!

Ok I lied, there is a spoon, I just used it to eat my cornflakes, I was going to tell you but I wanted to wash it first.

Anonymous writes,

I asked a fortune teller if Andreas is the right guy for me and he said yes…(sure hope it´s correct) But I would like to hear you´re answer too…Is Andreas the one???

Oracle’s answer,

Well it was supposed to be hank but the doctor talked your parents out of it.

They were heart broken, but decided that Andreas would be better.. either that or bubba joe.

So you have to decide for yourself Andreas, hank or bubba joe!

Anonymous writes,

Why do some guys hit on married women?

Oracle’s answer,

Anonymous,

We’re sorry, Dear Abby is on vacation but we expect her back very soon. In the meantime we suggest cranking up the radio and listening to the relaxing sounds of a Saxaphone. If you do not have a radio, please visit your nearest elevator. Also, try to avoid operating heavy machinery while under the influence of Kenny G.

PS. If you’re female, what’s your sign? and are you busy this Friday?

Oracle.

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